INTERACTIONS ON THE INTERNET + A HISTORY LESSON

 

me + Sue circa 2020

This morning on Threads, I entered a conversation about piracy. When I shared something that I've seen A LOT of people share someone came in and told me all the reasons I was wrong for saying what I said. 

My immediately response was to defend myself, but after one response it became clear that this individual was in no way wanting to have a conversation about what she found offensive (a quote I'd used that I've seen others say) or about the original piracy conversation. This person blocked me, which is also great. People should block anyone they dislike or don't wish to see on their social media.  

However, the whole interaction has me thinking. 

This is one of those things on the internet where one person says something and another person immediately comes in with all of their statements about why they are correct without looking at any of the nuance or just immediately intending to talk down to the person they're responding to. In this instance I was quoting that people defending piracy say something like, "what about people in third world countries? They deserve to read too." This person immediately said it is wrong to say third world countries. 

And yes, (history lesson incoming) the phrase is actually archaic as it does not fit the original definition. The original phrases were part of The Three World Model. This came about during the Cold War as a way to tell who was allied with who. The US + allies were known as First World, while the Soviet + allies were Second World, and the remaining countries that were not aligned with either were Third World. These were not economic classifications but rather political.

Over time, Third World became a way to categorize economically poor and non-industrialized countries. In many circles this term is not pejorative and is synonymous with developing countries. In some areas for some scholars, the term developing countries is pejorative and they feel inaccurate. As it denotes that "developed countries" are the ideal when the truth is not there. The terms Global North and Global South were also explored with the connotation that the Global South was made up of economically disadvantaged and developing countries, but this is not accurate as many economically advantaged countries are in the Global South and vice versa.  

The truth is that sweeping generalized terms will never be accurate for everyone or agreed upon for everyone. When I personally talk about countries, I just use the name of the country. If I'm referencing a region, then I reference the region geographically. When I reference what someone else said I quote it, even if it's not the best term. I think it's because of my background in academic writing where individuals know that using direct quotes might mean using offensive words and do not take it to mean that the person writing is okay with those terms. Whereas on the internet, everyone is subjected to some sort of weird critique by every single other person on the internet. 

Anyway, it was just something I was pondering this morning and my personal blog is a good way for me to just sort of talk myself through things as well as share some fun facts with the world! 

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IN WHICH WE TALK ABOUT LIST MAKING FOR ANXIETY

 

List making and listing things soothe my anxious mind. 

I started list making awhile back in a variety of ways to help me deal with my anxiety and bipolar. I was finding that my bipolar was causing me to have severe issues with focus. I started making lists of "must dos" so that I could focus more easily and stay on target. That's one way I use lists. To accomplish tasks and stay productive. 

Another method of list making is the 5 things method, where during high anxiety you list five things you can see, touch, smell, taste, hear. This brings you back to the present and helps stop your mind from spiraling. This one helps me quite a bit when I can calm down enough to use it. 

If my anxiety is just particularly bad to the point where my thoughts are becoming obsessive then I will do trivia lists. I will try to name things that I don't really know super well in order to distract and make my brain concentrate in other areas. I usually will enlist the help of someone else in these. The other night during commercial breaks (thanks Amazon) I listed NFL football teams for each state for my boyfriend. 

I like to use lists to keep my mind away from obsessive thoughts and use as a way to put more positive things into it. Here are some examples of lists you could write to help you!

• favorite movies
• favorite books
• places you want to visit
• people you've helped
• adventures you've had
• favorite songs
• favorite desserts
• favorite smells
• books you want to read
• countries you want to visit
• list your big goals
• list your little goals
• favorite meals
• meals you want to try
• list your personal weaknesses
• list your personal strengths
• favorite works of art
• the things you've worried about that never happened
• all the flowers you can think of
• all the colors you can think of

You can really make a list of anything. It's a great journaling prompt or a great recitation when you need to break that obsessive thought pattern. 

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IN WHICH I SHARE MY EVENING ROUTINE

 

I shared my morning routine as well as some changes I'm making to it in order for it to be a better start to the day. My evening routine is just as relaxing and a way for me to wind down and end the day. I struggle deeply with insomnia, and given that sleep and mental health are intricately intertwined I try to give myself the best chance for a stable sleep schedule that I can. For me, one of the biggest indicators of an impending mental health crisis is changes in my sleep patterns. 

Dinner is around 1700 every night, then we do farm chores. My partner always helps with farm chores and on the days we have my stepchild they also help. Once we finish this we will head inside for some family time. 

I take my medications in the evening, so by 1900 I have taken my lamictal, prazosin, and if I am taking a sleep/anxiety med then I will take it then. I don't take them every night as some nights I don't feel anxious or have any indication that my obsessive thoughts are going to be an issue. My anxiety is typically what keeps me awake, along with the obsessive thought patterns and maladaptive guilt. 

Then we shower and my partner gets ready for work while I moisturize and blow dry my hair. After he leaves I stretch and either read or watch a relaxing low key show on tv. I turn off the tv or put down the book by 2130 and go to bed. 

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IN WHICH I SHARE MY MORNING ROUTINE

 

One of the ways that I stay balanced and stable is creating routines. I have a morning routine that I try to stick to as much as possible. I will say that since I work from home it is easier to create a mindful, quiet, relaxing morning routine than it was when I was rushing out of the house everyday. Especially as someone who isn't exactly a morning person. 

The first thing every morning is brushing teeth, brushing hair, deodorant, and sunscreen. I do sunscreen daily as I already have a skin cancer as well as a family history.

Before I head outside I get the pot of coffee started unless I'm planning on tea, then farm chores are done. The farm chores take me about an hour, and they give me some much needed reflection and thinking time. I make sure to pet all the animals which is always calming. And while I'm standing to fill waters I think about my day and meditate. 

When I come inside, I drink my coffee usually in silence then I do my social media interacting. This is a part of my job, so I do set a timer for it. 

I usually have a meal after that. I would like to incorporate yoga into my morning routine. I think that I could forsake the morning social media interacting for a morning yoga routine. And I think that would be healthier for both my mind and body. 

Do you have a morning routine?

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PRICKLY PEARS & LIVING INTENTIONALLY

 

Prickly Pear Time

I have wanted to pick prickly pears since we moved here, and I just never have. But this year I made a pledge to myself to live slower with more intention which means doing the things I want to do and taking the time to do them. I haven't been being the best at this thus far. 

I am trying to learn how to say no to things that do not serve me, so that I can open up to saying yes to the things that do serve me. It's about more than the prickly pears, although I do want those, and I want to try making some dishes with the napoles (the pads or green part of the cactus). It's about living in the moment a little more and spending more time present instead of on social media or worrying about the future or worrying about anything.

It's about being in nature and doing something that is rewarding that doesn't depend on other people. Part of my businesses always include social media, and it's easy to get distracted by likes and comments and engagement. But at the end of the day, even though being on social media is a requirement for being an aspiring author, do those things really matter? Or do the moments where I enjoy life most what really matters? 

In 2025 I really want to focus my energy on things I love. And while I know it's impossible to love every single thing 100% of the time, I do think it's possible to build a beautiful life full of things I love. 

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SEASONS + BIPOLAR + ME

 

me + Cynthia

When the seasons change I feel a sort of boost. Bipolar is cyclic, and I have noticed that when there is a change (whether real or perceived) I tend to feel a low level mania. Fortunately, I am attuned to my moods after years of learning how to recognize them so it rarely turns to true mania. 

I think part of it is the excitement of something new. While my Bipolar is best managed with routine, it is nice to shake things up. The changing of the seasons doesn't really mean a whole lot here in the desert which is disappointing, but it does mean that the hot weather which tends to make me physically ill is on it's way out. This means more time outside and more time with my animals which always lifts my soul. 

I have no idea if this is something that other people diagnosed with Bipolar notice or deal with, but the change from summer to autumn is an especially strong one for me. And again, I think it's partially because my autoimmune disorders have caused me to be sensitive to heat. So in addition to my mental changes I am excited to not feel sick everyday because of the temperature. 

Anyway, I'm very excited for this change in seasons. Very much looking forward to fall. 

IN WHICH I TALK ABOUT MEDS

 

me, Cynthia, & Dakota

I have had a tumultuous relationship in being on medication for my mental illnesses. I am, like many bipolar individuals, notoriously bad at what the doctors refer to as "med compliance" meaning I often will take myself off of my meds. Sometimes with disastrous consequences. Sometimes with no consequences. 

When I first spoke to a doctor about how I was feeling as an adult, it was a GP, and he said I was just anxious and maybe a little depressed. He prescribed me Zoloft. The results of the Zoloft prescription were pretty bad. I went into a rapid cycling bipolar phase where I was manic and then in a deep depressive state every few weeks. It was untenable for both me and everyone around me. I had zero impulse control. I ended my marriage, and although ending the marriage was best the way I did it was entirely wrong. 

Over the years as a teen and young adult, I did take anxiety meds or sleeping meds on and off, but nothing ever really seemed to fully help and so I would take myself off of them. 

I finally went to an actual psychiatrist, who diagnosed me as bipolar one, OCD, with anxiety and PTSD. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't crazy. That might seem counterintuitive, but I had reasons for my behavior that meant I wasn't just wild or unmanageable. I was dealing with some circumstances beyond my control, but I could take control through meds and therapy. It was empowering for me. And it was also devastating as I realized I could never stop being vigilant with my mental health. 

I have tried various medications for these issues, and I encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist if you think you have mental health issues. Although my GP meant well, he just wasn't equipped to diagnose me and his prescription turned my life into a waking nightmare. He should have referred me instead of prescribing something. Currently, I am on lamictal for the bipolar and have emergency anxiety meds as well as meds for sleeping and a med for night terrors. It may seem like a lot, but the only one I take daily is the lamictal. The others are just as needed. I also get med checks every other month, as well as therapy. 

In addition to the medications, I also try to maintain some other things in my life to help stabilize myself. One of these things is sleep, which is one of the biggest disruptors of mental health especially those with mood or personality disorders. I try to keep the same general schedule in my day as routine tends to help as well. Overall, there are a multitude of things that can help each individual. What works for one person may not work for another. It's up to us to advocate for ourselves and find the magic combination for us. 

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THAT TIME I GOT BULLIED OFF THE INTERNET

 

my old blog header circa 2011

I started my first blog around 2009. I had moved to Oklahoma from Florida in the summer of 2008, and I was feeling the need for a creative outlet, it was essentially a way for my family and friends to keep up on my new life. And at first that's all it was, but then blogs started ramping up and being wildly popular. I started selling ad space on my blog, and soon I was making a significant amount of profit each month. Plus sponsored posts. 

It was the first time I felt like I could probably make money from my writing. My blog grew to have over 15K subscribers, and I felt very proud of it. I had blog friends all over the world, and I mostly managed to escape a lot of the scrutiny that many bloggers faced. 

As Twitter became more and more popular, all the bloggers were using it to connect and promote which was both amazing and ended up being terrible. For me, at least. Obviously I joined Twitter and began to connect and promote. 

I had been blogger for many years at this point, and I felt pretty secure in my ability to ignore hateful comments or any vitriol said about me specifically. 

I was so wrong. 

I can't remember exact dates or even what the disagreement was about. I only remember who, and no I will not say who it was because I never want to experience what happened next again. It's also why I get super weird about fandoms that don't accept any valid criticism of the fandom or the person/thing whatever that the fandom is based on. 

It was circa 2013/2014, I was on Twitter and disagreed with a very popular (think millions of followers) blogger. We were mutuals and had spoken on a number of occasions. They had given me advice on blogging. The disagreement was not a personal attack, and I was not mean or vindictive about it. They disagreed back, then retweeted it and encouraged their fans to go tell me how wrong I was. 

For weeks, I continued trying to fulfill my ad agreements to their contracts, but I couldn't see through the hate mail. It filled my Twitter, my public Facebook page for the blog, my email inbox, and my blog comments. I was told to just "KYS". Everything was made fun of including how I looked, my kid, my then husband, my home, literally nothing was off limits.  Eventually I stopped posting on social media and then I gave up my blog once I ended the contracts I had. 

The thing that was my lifeline, my creative outlet, and to be quite honest the majority of my social life was ruined for me. I couldn't handle the massive amounts of commenting that was pure cruelty. I deleted everything. No social media, no blog...nothing.

Over the years I've gone back to social media and blogging, but it wasn't until recently that I started to actually try to do it again. I want to fulfill my dreams as an author, and in this time period social media is the way to reach the most people. The internet has not gotten nicer, and one could argue that it's gotten much worse. 

I still think I have too much social media because of the whole "niche down" concept. But I do balance it better now. Although I do still find myself cringing when I see these out of control fandoms that attack others for disagreeing with someone, and to be 100% honest I often do not express my disagreements with popular creators online for fear of being attacked again. 

I'm still traumatized by the whole ordeal. It does still control my actions in the online sphere. But I am learning to protect my peace and mental health, so while I often scroll away from disagreements I do still speak out when it's something really important, like human rights. 

It's a balancing act and we're all on a tightrope. 

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FEELINGS on a FRIDAY

 

I've started and restarted this blog a ton of times because I'm angry, and I don't want to just spew my anger onto the world or say something that we will all regret.

Lately, I have been feeling sad. Like a nostalgic sort of sad where I miss my family and friends from my past. I have been thinking about times I missed to spend with those that are dead. I wish I had learned my grandma's recipes. I miss "helping" my uncle when he would work on my cars. I miss my grandpa and going to breakfast with him. I miss those that live far away. I miss hanging out with my mom, seeing my nieces grow up. I miss the friends I had back then; they're still my friends but from a distance. 

I think the breaking up of friendships in my life recently has made me reminisce about having true friendships and people who are real in my life. 

It's also been an emotional time as I've decided to rehome some horses that we had taken in. It's always emotional for me when they leave, but I know that in order for them all to have the attention they deserve then it's time. Read more about it over at my horse blog. Here!

It's sort of been a culmination of things that have gotten me feeling just a little sad. But this season will pass as they always do.

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This is the story of a girl....

 Let me tell you this story. 

It's about a girl, woman really, who wanted a stable life and family for her son so badly that she entered into a relationship and marriage with someone who, on the outside seemed like, they wanted the same thing. And how that person destroyed her. 

When my son was seven years old, I was finally ready for another relationship after being single for almost two years following a physically and mentally abusive relationship with a man that left me depressed for over a year. That's when I met T. By all outer appearances, T appeared like a stable nice person who worked, helped his mom and sister, and also wanted to find someone to build a life with. 

And a life was built. 

However, during that life I found out that things are not always as they appear. It wasn't until after I moved to Oklahoma after dating long distance for a year that I began to learn more. I saw a lot of red flags, but I ignored them because I was desperate to provide my son that nuclear family, and T was an excellent dad to J. A little too strict, but it was clear that he loved him a great deal and would do anything for him along with the rest of his family. For that, I was willing to overlook the toll the relationship was taking on me. 

When I began to ask for things to change, I was always assured that they would and then they never did. This cycle went on repeatedly for years. To even get T to take me seriously I would have to threaten to leave, then the same empty promises that things would change would occur, rinse and repeat. 

Over the course of nearly ten years, I was made fun of (by my then husband) about my stretch marks from being pregnant, about the weight I gained when my physical health began to decline (and let me put this in perspective: before this man got his weight loss surgery he was over 400 pounds with me never making fun of his weight struggles), my hair was too straight, my eye was crooked, etc. 

I was also told that I would never fulfill my rodeo and barrel racing goals because I wasn't a good rider. I had never ridden a nice horse. I didn't have the skills to do this. And even though it's been years, I still struggle with confidence in riding. I literally hear his voice in my head telling me these things. 

As my mental health began to decline, I began having wilder swings with my undiagnosed bipolar. My anxiety was uncontainable. I lost my impulse control. The only thing tethering me to any sort of reality was my son. And slowly T began to take that as well. Outings with my son were controlled. I was told that the things we liked to do together like see movies, or watch certain shows together, or read books was useless and stupid and I needed to grow up. It was a fight every time I wanted to take him to a midnight premiere of something we loved or go spend the day doing something deemed "stupid" by T. 

As J got older I felt him slipping away with the constant making fun of me and things I liked and promoting things that T liked. And by time my kid was in high school and the marriage was finally done, I had been painted as a crazy impulsive mentally unstable person. And T had come out as the victim of this person who tried his best and failed because I was just "too psychotic". 

Looking back I know it was gaslighting and mentally abusive. I actually didn't realize it was mental abuse until I was telling my therapist about some of the things I was struggling with that had been said to me by him and she just told me. I still have trouble with it. It has and continues to follow me. 

+++++

I'm going to write the full stories in my MeNoirs which I am working on, but I wanted to share some excerpts of what I'm working on here as well. The writing of this meNoir in which I explore my propensity for toxic relationships with men is cathartic. It is bringing up all of the buried shit that I need and want to deal with. 

I hope y'all love it. 

Hello 2024

 

This picture is taken in a time when I was deeply unhappy, my mental health was off the deep end, and I was on the verge of destroying my life because of the combination of those two things. 

I'm not even close to the same person that I was in that photo. 

And in 2024, I'm going to embrace even more being who I am. My word for the year is authentic. 

As I work on my memoir collection, I want to share openly about my life and the things I've worked through. I want other people to know that they can overcome the same things that I've overcome. I want them to know that it won't be easy, and it won't be linear...but it can be done. 

I often hold back out of fear of being "too much" or something. But if I'm too much then they can go find less. I'm heading into 2024 letting go of my insecurities and my fear of what others thing or fear of failing. For me, 2024 is more about letting go of things that no longer serve me instead of trying to become something I am not. 

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Episodes of Bipolar: Traffic Court

 

When I was a youngster and not diagnosed yet things were way harder for me. I was acting wild, couldn't control a lot of my impulses, self medicating, and just generally being a menace to myself while making my family worry about me. 

After the diagnosis, things got much easier. So I'll be sharing a series of "Episodes of Bipolar" about things and situations that I created due to my lack of impulse control and manic symptoms. Some of these stories are hilarious...now. 

At the time they were happening though I was actively changing the course of my life, precluding myself from things I had been working towards, and just generally derailing my own hard work. That's the thing with people who have mental illnesses, often they are hurting mostly themselves. Of course, I already had a child by this time and if I had continued on that path I would have affected him as well. I'm not saying that those in the vicinity of the mentally ill are not affected. I'm just saying we are usually ruining our own lives with our decisions. 

The year was 2004. I was finishing up my first bachelors degree in Law & Criminology. Ironic that I was studying the law while breaking it. 

I had gone to visit my father a few months before and my headlight went out on the two hour drive. I got a ticket. My father replaced my headlight before I went home, kept the receipt as proof, and took the ticket so he could pay it for me.

Fast forward a few months later, and I am out with friends drinking. Because the person who was supposed to drive started doing shots, I only had one drink. He gets in a fight on the way out of the club. I drive us away. We get pulled over. 

My license is suspended. Why you ask? Oh well for FAILURE TO PAY A FUCKING HEADLIGHT TICKET OF $15!!!!! The tags on the car don't belong to the car (not my car, so Idk about all that), and there is no insurance. I get arrested. The car gets impounded.

I spend the night in jail and am let go the next morning with an order to go to traffic court and get all the license stuff fixed prior to that. 

When I show up to traffic court, I have proof of paying the ticket, and show my car's registration and insurance as proof that the car I was driving that night wasn't mine, so that I can get the court paper to get my license reinstated. The judge starts asking me questions. I honestly don't even remember what he was asking, but I guess I felt defensive that day because I started asking him a few questions. 

My questions:

Are you happy that you went to law school to be a fucking traffic court judge?

Are your parents proud of you being a fucking traffic court judge? 

And other questions along that same line of questioning. Eventually, my Papaw, who had driven me, stood up and asked me to please be quiet. The judge told him that he was going to be held in contempt too if he didn't sit down, and that was what it took for me to shut up. Not for myself, but for my Papaw. 

Anyway, I got taken by the bailiff because apparently my questions were wrong. And I went to jail for four days and three nights. I probably would have gotten out sooner, except it was a Thursday; plus, I decided to heckle the guards taking us to the jail on the entire drive. They made sure we arrived after 1800 to miss the Friday docket deadline. I mean, I can't prove that...but if they did that then good for them. I was being a real McAsshole. 

Anyway, when I look back on this I now know that I was unable to control those impulses because my brain was in full on mania, so I just reacted and said whatever little asshole thought came into my brain without any regards for the consequences. Now I say this not as an excuse for my behavior, but as a reason which is different. I'm not saying that people who are mentally ill cannot have consequences. I'm just saying that I think the mentally ill courts that are separate in some states is a good way to go in dealing with these types of issues. And I did have consequences. I spent time in jail, I had numerous fines for contempt, and I still had to do all the initial things that had landed me in court in the first place. 

Would I do this now?

Absolutely not. 

But I'm on the right medications, I have been to A LOT of therapy, and I have learned a lot of skills to help with my manic thinking and behaviors. 

If you or someone you know is exhibiting signs like these, please talk to a mental health professional. Talk to the person. No one ever talked to me. They all just said things like, "well that's how Rhonda is" or "you know how Rhonda is...crazy" and well yeah. Even on my medication, I am A LOT. I know this, but I also know that my normal and my out of control are two different things. 

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On getting diagnosed with Bipolar

 

Things change after you get a diagnosis that is the correct one, find medication that helps, and start learning skills in therapy that make living more accessible. 

Prior to my actual diagnosis, I struggled in life and in doing simple things. I struggled to understand my thoughts and emotions. I didn't know why I couldn't control my impulses. I couldn't understand why I would act in these wild and reckless ways nearly ruining my whole life, and definitely wrecking some aspects beyond repair. 

After years of anguish and not being able to understand my own mind I finally got an accurate diagnosis. I cried that day in the psychiatrist's office. Not because I was upset that I had been diagnosed as Bipolar, but because I felt like I was finally ready going to be able to figure things out. 

I don't want to say that there was an immediate change after being diagnosed. I got officially diagnosed in 2015, and although I understand myself much more because although I guessed that this was my diagnosis I didn't know for sure and I couldn't prescribe myself any medication. 

I've tried multiple combinations of medications, and over time things will likely change again and again as things change in my life or with other issues that arise. 

The initial diagnosis changed my life. I kept the anxiety diagnosis as well, and the psychiatrist added PTSD and OCD. 

I've been hospitalized for psychiatric holds, gone to several psychiatrists, been in the court system, and seen multiple therapists all with differing diagnoses. It wasn't until I went to my family doctor with my feelings, got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, and put on Zoloft that I sought more help. 

The Zoloft triggered mania in me, and by this time in my life I realized that the things I was doing was far outside of my character. It was a mania where I felt like I was trapped and someone else was behaving in ways that I never entertain behaving. I'd always been impulsive in a sort of act before I thought type of way in emotional situations, but these were beyond that. 

It was at that time that I sought help. 

I share this story to say that if you feel that you need help, there is zero shame in getting it. I wish that I had sought help earlier, but I didn't for a myriad of reasons and looking back not a single one of them was good enough. I could have saved myself so much heart break and gotten so much farther in my life and goals if I had sought help sooner. 

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