IN WHICH I TALK ABOUT MEDS

 

me, Cynthia, & Dakota

I have had a tumultuous relationship in being on medication for my mental illnesses. I am, like many bipolar individuals, notoriously bad at what the doctors refer to as "med compliance" meaning I often will take myself off of my meds. Sometimes with disastrous consequences. Sometimes with no consequences. 

When I first spoke to a doctor about how I was feeling as an adult, it was a GP, and he said I was just anxious and maybe a little depressed. He prescribed me Zoloft. The results of the Zoloft prescription were pretty bad. I went into a rapid cycling bipolar phase where I was manic and then in a deep depressive state every few weeks. It was untenable for both me and everyone around me. I had zero impulse control. I ended my marriage, and although ending the marriage was best the way I did it was entirely wrong. 

Over the years as a teen and young adult, I did take anxiety meds or sleeping meds on and off, but nothing ever really seemed to fully help and so I would take myself off of them. 

I finally went to an actual psychiatrist, who diagnosed me as bipolar one, OCD, with anxiety and PTSD. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't crazy. That might seem counterintuitive, but I had reasons for my behavior that meant I wasn't just wild or unmanageable. I was dealing with some circumstances beyond my control, but I could take control through meds and therapy. It was empowering for me. And it was also devastating as I realized I could never stop being vigilant with my mental health. 

I have tried various medications for these issues, and I encourage you to talk to a psychiatrist if you think you have mental health issues. Although my GP meant well, he just wasn't equipped to diagnose me and his prescription turned my life into a waking nightmare. He should have referred me instead of prescribing something. Currently, I am on lamictal for the bipolar and have emergency anxiety meds as well as meds for sleeping and a med for night terrors. It may seem like a lot, but the only one I take daily is the lamictal. The others are just as needed. I also get med checks every other month, as well as therapy. 

In addition to the medications, I also try to maintain some other things in my life to help stabilize myself. One of these things is sleep, which is one of the biggest disruptors of mental health especially those with mood or personality disorders. I try to keep the same general schedule in my day as routine tends to help as well. Overall, there are a multitude of things that can help each individual. What works for one person may not work for another. It's up to us to advocate for ourselves and find the magic combination for us. 

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THAT TIME I GOT BULLIED OFF THE INTERNET

 

my old blog header circa 2011

I started my first blog around 2009. I had moved to Oklahoma from Florida in the summer of 2008, and I was feeling the need for a creative outlet, it was essentially a way for my family and friends to keep up on my new life. And at first that's all it was, but then blogs started ramping up and being wildly popular. I started selling ad space on my blog, and soon I was making a significant amount of profit each month. Plus sponsored posts. 

It was the first time I felt like I could probably make money from my writing. My blog grew to have over 15K subscribers, and I felt very proud of it. I had blog friends all over the world, and I mostly managed to escape a lot of the scrutiny that many bloggers faced. 

As Twitter became more and more popular, all the bloggers were using it to connect and promote which was both amazing and ended up being terrible. For me, at least. Obviously I joined Twitter and began to connect and promote. 

I had been blogger for many years at this point, and I felt pretty secure in my ability to ignore hateful comments or any vitriol said about me specifically. 

I was so wrong. 

I can't remember exact dates or even what the disagreement was about. I only remember who, and no I will not say who it was because I never want to experience what happened next again. It's also why I get super weird about fandoms that don't accept any valid criticism of the fandom or the person/thing whatever that the fandom is based on. 

It was circa 2013/2014, I was on Twitter and disagreed with a very popular (think millions of followers) blogger. We were mutuals and had spoken on a number of occasions. They had given me advice on blogging. The disagreement was not a personal attack, and I was not mean or vindictive about it. They disagreed back, then retweeted it and encouraged their fans to go tell me how wrong I was. 

For weeks, I continued trying to fulfill my ad agreements to their contracts, but I couldn't see through the hate mail. It filled my Twitter, my public Facebook page for the blog, my email inbox, and my blog comments. I was told to just "KYS". Everything was made fun of including how I looked, my kid, my then husband, my home, literally nothing was off limits.  Eventually I stopped posting on social media and then I gave up my blog once I ended the contracts I had. 

The thing that was my lifeline, my creative outlet, and to be quite honest the majority of my social life was ruined for me. I couldn't handle the massive amounts of commenting that was pure cruelty. I deleted everything. No social media, no blog...nothing.

Over the years I've gone back to social media and blogging, but it wasn't until recently that I started to actually try to do it again. I want to fulfill my dreams as an author, and in this time period social media is the way to reach the most people. The internet has not gotten nicer, and one could argue that it's gotten much worse. 

I still think I have too much social media because of the whole "niche down" concept. But I do balance it better now. Although I do still find myself cringing when I see these out of control fandoms that attack others for disagreeing with someone, and to be 100% honest I often do not express my disagreements with popular creators online for fear of being attacked again. 

I'm still traumatized by the whole ordeal. It does still control my actions in the online sphere. But I am learning to protect my peace and mental health, so while I often scroll away from disagreements I do still speak out when it's something really important, like human rights. 

It's a balancing act and we're all on a tightrope. 

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RHONDA REVIEWS: Sweet Magnolias

 

I was looking for a cozy sweet show that didn't require an intense amount of brain power to follow, and I happened across Sweet Magnolias on Netflix. Now as a southern gal, I LOVE shows set in the south. Then I saw it was filmed in Covington, Georgia (the clock tower was the giveaway), and I think that town is the cutest thing. 

Besides the idyllic town, and the scenery the show was overall really good. There were a lot of heartwarming parts, along with parts that showed challenges that people face. They touched on a lot of deeper topics, and showed quite a bit of range in the emotions that they felt. 

There is teen pregnancy, adoption, extramarital affairs, loss of a pregnancy, PTSD, and teen drinking. The show is also very Christian, however for the most part they show the side of Christianity that preaches forgiveness, understanding, and being a kind compassionate neighbor without judgement. Normally, the religious aspect would drive me away; in this show I feel they did not preach that I should be Christian, but rather shared what they thought being one should be. 

The cast is fairly diverse with the town having people of all races, social status, and sexual orientation. I do feel they could have had more diversity in the sexual orientation aspect as they seemed to only throw in the one gay couple. They also could have brought in other religions, and maybe those things will be present in future seasons. 

Overall, it's a cute show that I will continue watching so I can see how the characters end up. I'm rooting for some of them.