THAT TIME I TOOK A TRIP WITH MY EX

 

Me in Mexico July 2017

In 2015, my marriage was at the beginning of the end. If I'm honest with myself, it was a marriage that never should have happened. I lost so much of myself, but that's a deeper reflection for another read. (You can read it in my meNoir that comes out in 2025)

By 2017, I had moved out into my own apartment. He was dating the woman he told me I didn't have to worry about because she was "just a friend". My son (that he adopted) was getting ready to start his senior year, and we had (I had) already pre-paid for a four person family vacation to an all inclusive resort in Puerto Vallarta. 

It was suggested to me that I forfeit my ticket so the new girlfriend could attend, which I felt was ludicrous, especially considering that I had paid for the entirety of the trip. I told my ex that I didn't care if he forfeited his seat, but that I was under no circumstances not going to be in Mexico for that week. And so four of us: me, my ex, our son, and our son's best friend headed off to Mexico for a seven days and six nights. 

I spent my days drinking in pools, or on the beach enjoying all of the restaurants and food carts within the resort. Buying crafts from people who were selling them on the beach or in the cutest little market down the street from the resort. I went on excursions and snorkeled by a bird sanctuary island. I went sailing. I rode jet skis. And the majority of it, I did alone.  

I have fond memories of many things about this trip. I think one of the fondest things is that I felt free. It was actually the most me I ever was with my ex. I didn't worry about what I was wearing or how I did my hair or that my tattoos were showing or what he would think if I was drinking margaritas before noon. Even though he was there, I was the one in control of me. It was pivotal for me to know I was going to be okay, better than okay, after ending a decade long relationship. 

It was the start of me finding myself again. And now seven years later, I feel incredibly free and more like the real me than I have felt in many years. I still have moments of doubt and pain and questions, but I think that's normal. 

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Ignoring Red Flags

 

As I write my meNoir, I am reminded of a lot of situations that I'd rather forget. But I think that by living my life and experiences out loud that might help someone else learn from my mistakes or recognize some traits in themselves that will lead to getting help sooner than I did. As I write I find that I am not as healed from some things as I believed myself to be, which is fine. 

For instance, I shared on my instagram a picture taken from the night I met the first person I was exclusive with after my separation from a ten year long toxic relationship. I remember it because of the reaction of how I looked, which in retrospect should have been a red flag that so much emphasis was placed on how I looked instead of anything meaningful. And I remember it because he ended up being a big fat married liar who used me to fulfill a fantasy. 

I honestly hadn't thought about him in years, but in writing about my experiences in toxic relationship after toxic relationship and what I've learned about myself through analyzing them is that I was still angry at him. I also learned a lot about my friendships with other women through that particular fiasco, which is a whole other memoir. There is just entirely too much woman on woman hatred over men. And for what?

A mid man with a slightly below average sized appendage? 

Seriously not worth it y'all. 

A large theme in my meNoir is me ignoring red flags because I did not have the self worth to stand up and say I didn't deserve that treatment, so I would accept small slights which turned into larger slights and sometimes into actual criminal treatment of me. 

To be clear, I do understand that it was not my fault that I was treated poorly by men. I do understand that their behavior is the despicable side. However, I also acknowledge that my low self esteem and desire to feel loved and appreciated contributed to my repeatedly ending up in relationships with men who absolutely did not deserve me. Although not my fault that I was treated poorly I did contribute to the direction my life was taking. 

Obviously, I am now in a stable, safe, happy relationship where I am valued for who I am. That's why I am able to write about these things and acknowledge them. 

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